From The Outside Looking In
Most people that have met me have said I’m a decent guy and very well liked. That I’m friendly, fun to be around and a generally well-mannered person. I get praised for being a responsible member of society, which I give a lot of that credit to how I was raised. And to all of that, I can agree. What people see, is what they get. A nice guy that will be there when I say I will, likes to have fun and enjoys the company of others.
But as all of us can be our own worst critic, I tend to focus a lot on what I see inside. I’ve posted before about my nerves and how much I worry. And that’s where what is on the inside is where I take my self-view to a different level. I’ve recently started considering myself a tortured soul. Someone who is always looking at myself and trying to make the best of my life, only to have various flaws revealed to me that I didn’t realize I had. One of them is always needing to avoid conflicts. I like to play the arbitrator that smooths things over. I hate when people bring drama around me. It creates friction and takes away the fun and happy mood that I like to surround myself with. I mean, who doesn’t want a consistent environment that is filled with happiness and joy.
While I won’t go into the personal specifics of what happened, I had a recent experience that has brought all of this to the forefront. The last few days of my life, I have let this tortured soul take over my entire demeanor. I’m not the happy, joking person I used to be. It’s been replaced with bland responses or forced smiles when I interact with others. I’m curt with those around me, with responses that don’t normally come out of my mouth. Nothing really mean or cruel, but just a direct reply in a tone that says “I’m really not wanting to talk to anyone.”
I think what has happened is that I’ve been living with several issues in my head for so long that once this last incident happened, it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve had enough of trying to arbitrate my surroundings to make things better. I feel I have reached a point where all of my efforts to make a bad situation better were for nothing. Just lost time in my life that I will never get back.
I’m almost positive that this has been a good deal of the reasons why I didn’t make videos for a while or did some of things that I love doing. It’s been one of the main distractions in my life that I let get in the way of me doing what I enjoy.
I don’t like being like this. It’s not the person I want to be and definitely don’t want to continue becoming. So in the ongoing struggle of humanity, I must find a way to get past all this. For me, this requires some major changes to how I view and handle situations that I used to before. Almost like re-wiring myself to start doing things differently. At the age of 47, I don’t know if I’m ready to go through some major changes in my life. But my fear is that if I don’t, I will be so self-consumed with all of this that it will permanently change who I’ve been for the majority of my adult life.
Thus, this is the state that I am currently in. A true conundrum that I am needing to deal with. I see this as another layer on top of the last layer that I was trying to work through.
I rarely open up like this, but I need to get this out of my system and place it in a place where I can not only view it myself, but hoping that publicly posting it will hold me accountable to work it all out. At least before some other layer of whatever finds it’s way to my current stack of personal issues.
Any input is welcome from anyone that reads this. I’m not really looking for suggestions on how to get better. I’ve not provided any pertinent details on what happened. Plus, this really is something I really do need to work out with myself. But if you have any antidotes or any similar feelings or stories to share, I am open to reading your thoughts.
To end this on a positive note, I will have a few blog posts that cover all of the great and awesome parts of my recent vacation to Disneyland, Newport Beach and my test drive of a Nissan LEAF. Stay tuned.
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This kind of “refining” must be in the air right now. I’m right there with you.
Sending my best wishes to you, Marty!
I’m a born worrier. As soon as I get past the thing I’m most worried about, I begin worrying about something else. It’s a hard habit to break. I’ve been trying for years and it’s tough. I’m beginning to wonder if it’ll ever happen.
With you in spirit, Marty. I have a feeling it’s a bout of circumstantially (& perhaps existentially- do you have a strange new urge to buy a Ferrari? 😉 ) driven depression, and that, given your nature, along with your capacity for moral/philosophical override, you’ll phase out. Excersizes in gaining & maintaining perspective are very helpful during eras like this, as well as meditative/mindful pursuits.
Hugs to you. Be well & know you’re being thought of.
I feel ya. I’m the same way. Like Ginger said, must be in the air. Best of luck. I’m here for ya if you need to talk or email or anything. Love ya.
To me, this sentence kind of said it all:
“The last few days of my life, I have let this tortured soul take over my entire demeanor.”
The main words I saw were, “..I have let”.
You can be whomever you want to be, because the only person in charge of how you feel, think, act/ react, is you. If you let a tortured soul take over your life, that’s exactly what you’ll get.
If you choose to be happier and less worrisome, that’s what you’ll get.
You’re MUCH more in charge of who you are than you realize.
All that said, I think you’re kickass no matter what. 🙂
I’m happy you have the ability to see what’s bringing you down, and that you can deal with the the bad before it deflates you. Take care, I believe all the good things about you will hold true and hope you can make the necessary changes soon! Hang in there!
Since you aren’t talking about the incident or the details of what happened, I can only assume that it was a gloryhole event gone wrong. That’s why you should try the Florida ones – they’re much friendlier here.
(Hang in there. Talking about it will help, I think.)
I hope things get better soon and you figure this out.
I am in a not so great place right now and although I’m sure the circumstances are different for you, I am having a hard time figuring myself out. I think like you I like things to be good and happy so in my case I smooth things over for other people and cover for them and now that I am facing reality, it is hard and scary.
I’m sorry I can’t offer any words of help, but maybe it helps to know you aren’t alone with this kind of thing?
i’ve started like 20 different comments and erased them all. sucks not knowing just what to say to make it all better. because i do so want you to be the marty that makes you happy, the marty that you really are, the marty that we all know and love.
for the record, i don’t think your efforts to make a bad situation better were for nothing. you never know how the positive things you said and did were received…sometimes years later it comes out that we in fact did make a difference.
love to you.
I feel for you, Marty. Wish I could offer any words of comfort but lately I’m a miserable bastard…to the point I’m afraid of “infecting” anyone with a shitty attitude. All I know is that I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you a lot, and I hope you cast aside the tortured Marty and get back to regular Marty.
Remember that song that goes “if you want to be somebody else, just change your mind”? That’s what you need to do, change your mind and decide to be the real you again.
The Universe may be trying to tell you something. Take some time to think about what that might be. I find that problems usually spring up when we are not being true to ourselves. The solution usually lies in fixing that.
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but please know you’re not alone. I’ve dealt with many of the same emotions for a long time so I can relate to what you’re saying here. I think I even dealt with a similar situation – at the very least, I can relate to the frustration.
You’re handling the situation much better, however. You’re remaining active and going on vacations and participating in life.
What you’re going through is probably much more common than you’re aware – you said yourself that it’s not like you to open up this way. For every person who speaks up, there are likely several more who remain quiet.
I think at times like this it’s very important to treat yourself well. Do something you’ve always wanted to do, take a class, take up a new hobby. When you feel yourself getting stressed out, take a good hot shower and pick up a book (well, after you get out of the shower).
I know you are considering some big changes, and I’m sure once you decide what you want to do, you’ll have the strength to do it. The fear of the unknown is very common, and often strong enough to make us choose to remain in an unhealthy situation, but overcoming that fear could be the best thing you can do for yourself and your future.
Sending you big warm hugs. I’m always here if you need to talk about it.
I don’t know what context you are experiencing, but I have experienced this in: countless intimate relationships, a failed marriage, a job that was trying to get me to quit so that they didn’t have to give me reduced rate insurance and unemployment money, and countless friendships.
I’ve gone to therapy three times in my life. I know that I am susceptible to recognizing a slightly flawed situation and doing my part to nail it into the WALL, and all I can do is keep learning from my mistakes and do better the next time around and hope that the people who are in my life care enough about me to hang on and hang around.
Best of luck, Marty. You’re a good egg. 🙂
(And “countless intimate relationships” makes me feel like a slut. I’ve had less than 20, more than 1. 🙂 )
Okay, there MUST be something in the air because I’m going through almost the same thing here… not necessarily with the same exact issue, but close. It’s difficult to change who we are. I like to think of it as still being us, just making different choices? I don’t necessarily try to be the peacekeeper in situations, but I am very diplomatic… I try to be very careful about what I say, constantly analyzing how much conflict something I will say will generate… trying not to add to any negative energy that may already be present. It all sounds good, but, lately, I just feel like… well, I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack every time the THOUGHT of seeing specific people in my life comes up. I just can’t seem to physically handle the inconsistencies anymore… it’s like my body waited and waited around for my mind to fix the situation and was like, “You know what… I’m just going to make your hands start shaking, your heart beat a million miles a minutes and your breathing speed up until you start being the person you WANT to be instead of being the person you THINK you SHOULD be.”
What I’m trying to say here is… I get it. And you’re very brave for putting it out there like this.
Also? I don’t believe there’s such a thing as “lost” time. There’s just time you spend learning… there’s just chapters opening and closing.
Reading this I was frightened that it might have been Disneyland that put you in a Bad Place… so I was relieved that you added that final sentence. NOBODY should be feeling badly at The Happiest Place on Earth!
I recently had an encounter with a friend who was being so GD negative that it made me rethink who I allow and don’t allow in to my life. I am not sure if that is the same situation you are in, but as I was with this friend, I was thinking “this is not good for me, to be happy, I need to be around happy people.” And I told the friend – your negative vibe is ruining this for me (it was at the start of the marathon… long story that I can share if you want).
Anyway, I hope you can figure out how you want to be, then be that person 🙂
ginger – Thank you. I hope the air clears out for both of us.
kevin – For both of our sakes, I hope this worry state will eventually leave our lives. It can be draining.
catherine – Thank you for the kind thoughts. I think the maintaining perspective is the mode I’m in now.
bubblewench – Thank you, Shannon. And I extend the same offer to you as well. Got to get this out of our systems so we can get back to enjoying life.
sybil – You have pointed out something that I was evident to me when I was writing this post, but I now see it from a difference angle. “I have let..” is a lot of how we can let these things get into our lives and stay for longer periods than we we want them to. Thank you for your insight your kind ending statement. Time to kick some ass!
beth – Thank you. I have positive hopes for getting past this situation.
avitable – Ooops. My secret Vegas rendezvous is out. Dammit! I should have gone with the Platinum Blonde upgrade. 😉
tori – As I’ve been reading your blog, I know you are going through some tough life changes right now. My hope is that you will come out it all and intact as a person. These changes that others bring into our lives can affect us so much. And yes, it helps to know I’m not alone in all of these types of issues.
hellohahanarf – I’m sure the real Marty will be back soon. This situation hit me harder than others I’ve been through and it’s taking some different measures to work through it all. Thank you for your kind words and support.
karl – Thank you for your words. And I’m feeling like an infectious bastard now, trying to avoid being around others and bringing them down with my negative feelings and attitude. Today, I’ve felt a bit of it this shit slide off, as I work through how I am going to resolve this and get back to me being me.
finn – Great advice. And listening to the Universe telling me to get back to normal life again is what I’m doing. Given some time, I see myself removing that layer.
I’m sorry you’re going through this right now. I went through something similar a couple of years ago where I had the perfect storm of work worry and family drama eating me alive. I ended up ballooning up to my highest weight ever and drinking more than ever before I finally worked my head around my problems. Living with prolonged stress is really taxing on you physically and mentally. I hope you come to a resolution soon.
S