Things to Do When You’re Stuck in Hawaii

Hiya. Karl here. Marty has once again decided to leave the keys to his blog in the hands of relative strangers while he goes off on a little vacay. This time he’s not getting married because, well, he’s already married. He’s off in Hawaii, Twittering away in the sand and surf.

I’ve never been to Hawaii because I refuse to acknowledge its statehood until I can drive there. But I understand it’s very nice. Here are some things Marty can do while he’s there.

1. Run in slow motion along the beach, carrying a red Baywatch life buoy. Rescue several swimmers, whether they need it or not. Be careful not to put them down until you reach the parking lot. They’ll thank you.
2. Roast pigs with apples in their mouths. Pigs love that.
3. Get on a dining table and sing the entire Don Ho repertoire. Be sure to acquire a bubble machine for the encore.
4. Reenact the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes. Try not to freak out with a tarantula on your chest.
5. Look for Higgins from Magnum, P.I. Don’t come home until you find him.
6. Get leid.
7. Find the four-toed statue from “Lost.” Put a giant toe ring on it.
8. Have a scavenger hunt and look for consonants. They’re a rare find in Hawaii.
9. Bungee jump into a volcano.
10. Collect several hundred beer bottles. Put messages in each one, cork them, and set them into the water to see where the bottles go. Wait for a response.

That ought to keep Marty busy.