Taken 55 months ago outside Crescent City, CA
How the fuck did I get to this place in my life?
That’s a question I often ask myself, multiple times a day. And each time I ask that, I take a look back at the past 56 months and reflect on what I should have been doing these last 56 months.
This isn’t the first time I’ve delved into my state of mind and where my head is and stress levels.
But I can promise you that this will be discussed here for the very last time as I quickly summarize the past so that I can put it behind me once and for all and move forward with my life and accomplish the things I have been wanting to for many years.
I switched jobs in October 2007, mostly to gain new challenges, but also to earn a much needed pay raise. More than three months later, I was back at the previous job, making a bit more money and refreshed to continue to find new challenges at an older job. I got back all of my seniority, which earned me a bit more vacation time, celebrating 5 years in May 2008. I also had completed a couple of major projects over the next couple of years. Then in April 2010, a co-worker was let go, and I inherited his responsibilities, mostly desktop support. I started to look for work, but was finding nothing. So I stopped for a while, and picked back up in mid-2013, when my frustration level was much higher.
Now more than five and half months later, I find myself with an even greater level of frustration. The closest I got to leaving was in January 2014, when a job I really wanted was down to myself and one other candidate. I got the news that they went with the other candidate. I was so needing that change, even if the other company was in a bit of disarray.
I admit that I’ve not been able to let go of that even in April 2010 and it’s been hanging over my head for this long now.
I was reading an article in a July 2013 issue of Time magazine and found this quote:
“Being distracted reduces our empathy for others and blunts responses in the brain. So it’s possible that being distracted may also reduce our own happiness.”
That quote by Sylvia Morelli of Standford University, explains me to a “T” these last few years.
Anyone that’s been reading my blog for sometime knows the distractions that I battle. It’s gotten worse over the last few years and has affected just about every part of my life. Things I love to do, but I don’t do them anymore. Or if I do, they get put on the back burner. And yes, some things get completed, but it might take longer than I want to. This battle has left me in a state of mind that needs help. And I am in the process of seeking that help so I can get back to being myself again. People close to me in my life have been affected in many ways. I am tired of having to explain to others my state of mind and where I’m at. None of them are professionals that can help, so it’s another layer of frustration to me. Yeah, it’s that bad.
Back in June of this year, Britt Reints, a fellow blogger that I’ve met a couple of times over the years, gave a TEDx talk that focused on living in a world of SHOULDs. I SHOULD have done that or I SHOULD have made this happen. I watched this 18 minute talk and it spoke volumes to me. I had been SHOULDing for months and years without focusing on the present and the future. I needed to throw off the past as it has been holding me back.
Not All Bad
I’m not trying to paint a black picture in that nothing in my life is good. I’ve had many great things happen this year. Travel is one, where I visited San Francisco, Vancouver, WA, Seattle, Ft. Myers, FL [my first ever travel with the company I still work for], Austin, TX [still need to blog about that with photos, even though I had an entire podcast episode that covered my experiences at Austin City Limits] and Orlando, FL. Each day on vacation was a break from my distractions. Sure they showed up for a bit, but nothing like what I deal with day to day back home. But you can only spend so much time on vacation before coming back to the daily grind and having to face those battles again.
My daughter has made some major accomplishments in her life. And I am very proud to see what she’s been able to do in the last 18 months of her life. And to be honest, it does help to at least keep me going on some levels.
I attended some great concerts, including the afore mentioned Austin City Limits, and of course the amazing Retro Futura show with Tom Bailey, where Dave2 from Blogography flew in for to attend the show with me. He was just as blown away as I was. Seeing live shows always brings me happiness.
And my podcast, which I started to have me accomplish something each week. I had planned to complete an episode each week and I ended up two short, recording 50 episodes, the last one on the last day of 2014. But even with the many delays, I still felt it was a major accomplishment for me this year. Even though I don’t have many listeners, I do like podcasting very much. And yes, the podcast will continue in 2015.
The Return of TINTFA
And given this new push to put the past behind me and to get back on track, I am bringing back my TINTFA posts. My last one was many months ago. And instead of letting them remain stagnant with each new month’s updates merely being a copy and paste, I am going to actively make updates and think about what it took to further along my goals and projects.
It’s the only way I can fucking accomplish the things I need and want to.
I will be posting the first TINTFA 2015 post in the day or two, where my first goal will be posted. Major hint, it’s finding a new job and putting as many efforts as I can into that.
All the best to me. I thank you for your support and patience. And I also appreciate you hearing me out one last time.
At this time next year, I hope to be naming off the many accomplishments I completed instead of another year of fighting distractions.